Pulled Into the Past: Triggers

Triggers are more than things that just piss us off.

Strategies for Managing Triggers

What is a trigger? The root word of trigger comes from the Dutch word Trekker which means ‘to yank’ or ‘to pull’ – basically, a trigger happens in when you have an emotional reaction that does not match the intensity of the current moment, but is amplified by your previous experiences. In other words, you are ‘yanked’ out of the present moment.

What is an example of a trigger? Your parent makes a rude comment and you want to scream at them - or feel devastated (way more hurt than if another person said the same thing in passing.

How can we explain this trigger? You are triggered because would not yell at another person for making that comment. You are instead responding to your parent in that way because you are reminded of all the wounding you carry in this relationship, of all the times you’ve been hurt in this way (and potentially other ways) by this person at previous times in your life. You may have even been reminded of a hurt from another relationship or circumstance that felt similar at a different time in your life.

Can I stop being triggered? YOU ARE HUMAN. It is normal to be triggered. It is normal to be angry at someone who hurt you. It is hard to still be in relationship with that person. This is part of why family dynamics can be so problematic.

Being triggered is a normal part of being human. We can work decreasing the emotional intensity of our triggers in therapy and in life.

What can we do when we are triggered or in the company of someone who we know will trigger us?

These are all possible choices you could integrate into your daily life. Note: you do not have to do them all in order although you can. It's likely going to be easier to choose one or two and practice those first! Read on to see why...

1.     Protect yourself: walk away until you feel your emotions are in your control again, or close your eyes and focus on long exhales, even curl into a ball and cover your ears and close your eyes. These are just examples, but you can do whatever you need to do to support your emotional experience, and support yourself from reacting in ways that do not feel in alignment. You are not a good regulator for someone else if you are also upset. Walking away does not make you a bad person, you are being there for yourself. You can even explain, I need some time alone because I feel upset, I will come back when I am feeling better. Many of us feel that walking away is not a choice, especially if we have kids. Moving away is ok, as your kids learn you will always come back. If they are little, just move your body in a way that gives you space.

2.     Hold a boundary: ideally, when you feel calm, tell the other person what you will or will not be doing from now on. Boundaries help protect you from what you are able to deal/ not deal with AND keeps the two of you in connection. Boundaries do not dictate what others will do, but you will do. Sometimes, boundaries can be put into place at a later date, such as days or weeks after the event. Boundaries: When you speak to me like that, I have to walk away until I feel better.

3.     Use ‘I’ language: when you feel calm, explain using ‘I’ language how you were hurt. Avoid blaming the other person for their actions and focus on how the impact of their action made YOU feel. I felt really sad when you made that comment.

4.     Have compassion for self: talk to yourself like you would your best friend before, during, and after being in the company of someone you find triggering. Love yourself when you ‘screw up’. Pretend you are a five-year-old child and let yourself know you are doing your best. Validate your experience. THIS IS HARD TO DO, as many of us did not grow up with a lot of compassion. Example: it’s ok that you yelled/walked away/felt hurt, that was a really hard thing to hear, it's ok to feel sad right now.

5.     Have compassion for other: when you can treat yourself with love, it is easier to treat others. You can’t ‘fix’ suffering, but you can be there with someone else who is feeling it. Once you feel less emotional and more grounded, if you can have a conversation with this person, you can validate and acknowledge their suffering, without trying to fix it, at least right away. Example: Wow, it must be so frustrating for you, eh?

6.     Make repair: if you were triggered and acted in a way that

feel deserves an apology (aka you did yell at someone) you can apologize for the impact it had on the other person. Sometimes, even though we had good intentions, we can still acknowledge that the way those intentions landed for another person was painful. I am sorry that I hurt you when I yelled.  Do not expect repair back, as that is outside your control.

7.     Rest: If you know you are going to be around people who trigger you, take care of yourself. We can't avoid being triggered, but we can learn to ride the waves, even if it means you are temporarily there less, need to call in a favour from a friend, or are “being anti-social”. Compassion comes easier when we are nourished ourselves.

8.     Do things you love: If you know you are going to have a conversation or be with someone who triggers you, nourish yourself before and after with ‘deep self-care’ or things that make you feel peace, joy, love, like being out in nature, watching a favourite show, calling a special friend, seeing your therapist, moving your body.

9.     Think of things you love: If you can’t do things you love in the moments of stress, try taking 5 minutes and finding a special memory of a time when you felt peaceful, happy, joy, or calm. This can actually help calm your body and mind down. Ideally, do this before you are triggered, like a peremptory measure.

Lastly, all of this is much easier to say than it is to do. When we are ‘triggered’, our pre-frontal cortex goes offline, which means we react from our limbic brain, or the part of our brain that processes emotion. These suggestions can’t be thought into being, they have to be practised so they become automatic, even in times of emotional stress. The more you practice, the easier they will come.

We can grow and move into patterns of being triggered that feel more manageable and meaningful.

As you know, many people did not grow up with parents who did this for them, so they do not know how to do this for themselves or for others. They are constantly being triggered and reacting from these young, emotional, childlike places. It is hard for them, and doesn’t excuse their behaviour. But it does explain why they can be so triggering.